“If you are happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.” – Deepak Chopra
I’ve known all my life that nothing would ever ultimately make me happy, I knew it and felt it deep down, and this feeling scared me! It made everything feel pointless! That chasing after stuff was never going to make me happy! But I still felt the massive need to chase after goals, to tell myself I just need this…..this job, this business, this success this dream flat, this wardrobe, this boyfriend and then I’ll feel better! No matter how much deep down I KNEW this wasn’t true! That NOTHING could ever make me truly happy I couldn’t stop fighting, struggling, chasing, wanting things sooooo badly! Like my life depended on it.
As soon as something good came along, like a dream guy….an amazing opportunity, my mind would go into overdrive, I felt ‘needy’…..no matter how much logic I told myself, I just couldn’t detach! I didn’t feel good enough or worthy of getting what I wanted, so it always felt too good to be true in a bad way, like who am I kidding?! even though I knew this wasn’t true!
Even if I could see sooooo clearly and logically that I was more than good enough! It didn’t override the deep deep belief in me that I wasn’t! I’d place my happiness dependent on someone else (a guy)….i’d get super anxious, I’d always feel on edge, my feelings felt like a yoyo, I felt like I was riding an extreme wave where I could fall either way (to intense happiness or intense unhappiness) but it was out of my control.
I was dependent on whether they were giving me the attention I wanted! My stomach would be in knots, waiting in anticipation…for calls, for dates, for texts, etc! I could only relax and ‘allow’ myself to be happy when I felt like everything was good and okay….but then soon enough that feeling would be taken away from me because I’d analyse everything, I’d FIND something negative to prove my beliefs right, I’d constantly worry about everything I said or did, I’d worry my thoughts were detracting what I wanted, I’d worry about everything about me being perfect and good enough, I couldn’t be honest about what I wanted and needed, I felt the need to play ‘games’, I’d read too much into everything assuming the worst!
Because I had an underlying belief I wasn’t good enough, that sooner or later ‘they’ would realise who is she?! “I couldn’t get what I wanted”, so that is all I saw and attracted! I’d constantly feel feelings of dread in my stomach….sinking fearful feelings! Even when I was getting what I wanted, the happiness I felt felt like a bad drug! It left me feeling shaky inside, and ungrounded because I could FEEL the ‘temporariness’ of it…..how it was something that could INSTANTLY change, it could INSTANTLY be taken away from me, the thing that I was placing ALL my happiness and worth in! I’d always have this feeling of impending doom….that things will just come crashing down any second…..my mind would tell me “did you seriously think you could have this and keep this?!” I’d get paranoid!
The thing is….your heart knows NOTHING can make you happy! Those feelings are REAL! It’s your heart literally screaming at you how out of alignment you are with your true self when you believe those things! How you’re not having faith in you and believing in you! How you’re choosing to believe in fear and lack which doesn’t exist. And you detracting away what you feel you so badly need! You so desperately want! That it feels like life or death literally!
The deep lonely feeling of unhappiness, hopelessness and despair you feel when you don’t get what you so badly hoped and wished for…..is a good thing! It’s protecting you! You’re not gonna get what you so desperately want that it feels like the world has ended when it comes crashing down when you start to place your happiness and your self-worth dependent in that thing! Constricted in that ONE form (e.g. THAT guy). Because anything outside of you is out of your control, anything can happen, anything can be taken away from you in a second, it CAN all come crashing down in a split second!
And deep down you know this your heart knows everything!! That sinking stomach, the deep fearful feelings is your heart telling you to STOP! It is a breakthrough staring at you in the face of a choice you get to make….you get to CHOOSE to believe and have faith in you! To wake up and realise and BELIEVE how amazing you already are! How WORTHY you are, how happiness, love, richness IS your destiny and your RIGHT no matter who you think you are, no matter how ‘doomed’ you think you are.
Nothing or no one can make you more or less, or give it to you! Only you can give it to yourself! Your happiness is always in YOUR court! The ball is ALWAYS in your court! It is inside you! It is always inside you when you choose THAT perspective! And the magical thing is, it INSTANTLY reflects back in your outside world, through the magic, miracles, and blessings you receive around you as SOON as you choose that perspective! Life IS magical as soon as you choose to believe in you and have faith in you internally!
Because all a miracle is, is a change in perspective, returning to choose ‘love’. You can never escape feeling fear, it will always come up but the miracle is how quickly you choose to see love….. Because You are a powerful creator! You ABSOLUTELY create your reality! You create your happiness! Everything is in YOUR hands!
Don’t you dare give your power away to someone or something. Your happiness is where you choose to place it, it isn’t dependent on a thing!
There is no lack or scarcity of you being happy! There is no chance or luck in you being happy! Choose to believe in infinity! How the universe is infinite and how there is an infinite amount of possibilities for you to feel the limitless happiness, love, amazingness you dream of and IS available to you….not only available to you….your divine right! Only you put the cap on it, you constrict it! You believe you don’t meet the conditions (there are none apart from your heart beating inside you)! Only you believe you’re the black sheep (seriously who are you?!)! Only you can give happiness and receive it to yourself.