When you meet someone, the first essential element that indicates you have a good match with a guy is compatibility of relationship goals. If you don’t have similar relationship goals to the person you’re dating it is never going to work! Clarify what you are looking for in a relationship and where you hope it to go. Do you want it to lead to marriage? How do you visualize the relationship working? If you start dating someone who doesn’t have the same relationship goals as you, maybe they want something more casual, or just don’t have the time for the level of commitment that you want, than there will be no future!
Go with the flow, you don’t need to be pushy or come across as ‘needy’ but you can either ask the person you’re dating and discuss outright what you’re each looking for if it feels right to, or you can look for clues to begin with as to whether they are looking for something as serious/committed as you are and can give you the time that you want. Many matchmakers and coaches I spoke with said when they met their husbands, they discussed on the first couple of dates that they were looking for a relationship to turn to marriage, they may have got engaged 2 years later but importantly they realized they were on the same page as each other early on!
Sharing similar values and beliefs comes second, and common interests third.
Chemistry is the last element you consider, as chemistry is negotiable!
Never override the more important elements that give the foundation to a good match; compatible relationship goals and values and beliefs. Common interests and chemistry can be negotiated more on. Chemistry can be fake love and can fade after the initial romantic period when the foundational factors come into play… true love always takes time to realize and nurture. Also if you have a ‘type’ that can throw you off and make you unconsciously overlook qualities that are important to what you need! For this reason it is good to be open to more than just your ‘usual’ type….
Chemistry can also be affected by nerves, so a matchmaker who believes they have a really great match would encourage her client to give their date a chance and see them at least 3 times before writing someone off based on ‘lack of chemistry’!
Matchmakers will sometimes send their clients out on ‘test dates’ with another of their clients who aren’t necessarily a specific match for each other, but the matchmaker is working with them on their confidence and wants to ease them into dating before they send them out on the ‘real’ dates! Frequently because their clients are so relaxed and not invested on the ‘test’ dates, they have ended up hitting it off turning the test date into a success story (even marriage!), showing when you’re really relaxed chemistry/love comes when you least expect it!
A common matchmaker complaint is ‘the list’– people get so caught up in creating a long shopping list of their dream partner they actually self-sabotage themselves by creating this rigid list of requirements which unnecessarily complicates things!
“Go get yourself a fella who is fun for you. The key is fun. People think the key is love or commitment. That is not the case. You love the people you have fun with.” -Regena Thomashauer
One girl client insisted a guy must live in a 5 mile radius because she was so fed up of travelling around London! Maybe that’s slightly extreme but question your checklist! Your perfect match is more than meeting just a checklist of criteria; you really can’t sum up someone’s ‘perfection’ and how great a match they are by how many boxes they have checked off your list!
There is no romance in check boxes and matchmakers are insistent on leaving some stuff to fate! It is nicer to be pleasantly surprised and learn from someone with qualities, experiences and assets you would never even have thought of or considered which is part of the joy of romance and dating! You probably haven’t dated a fair sample of men to know that your huge long list is an accurate picture of what you’re looking for anyway….
“Make a top 10 non-negotiable list of things you want in your man. Prioritize them using four categories: spiritual, physical, financial and emotional” – Patti Stanger – Millionaire Matchmaker
So think about the absolutely important things, the “non-negotiables” and make the list more about the essence and core of the person you are hoping to meet. What is it about ‘successful’ that you need? Perhaps you just need someone who can be financially stable …..or has dreams for the future, or is ambitious or entrepreneurial. What is it about being successful that you value? Be really clear and specific of what it is about the quality you are looking for and define what it means to you to get to the essence of what each word on your checklist means to you. If you don’t have a good deep enough reason as to why that quality in your ideal match is a must for you, then it can go! You might not be as bothered as you thought about each point, but are subconsciously limiting yourself to potential matches by thinking your ‘soulmate list’ should read a certain way! Make sure your list is coming from your heart, and isn’t based on someone else’s expectations or what you think you should have.
Sometimes we don’t even give someone a chance when a right match shows interest because we’re so wrapped up by our rigid list (which sometimes isn’t even accurate of what we need in someone), that we don’t appreciate someone in a slightly different package than what we imagined. You don’t have to compromise on your non-negotiable qualities, but if you become more clear on why you value those qualities you may find someone actually ticks all your core boxes. Leave some things to wonder, let the universe surprise and sweep you off your feet….not with checked boxes!
Men can be really picky as well! I’ve heard stories from matchmakers where the male clients show pictures of their ideal women and insist on 10s or ‘perfect Victoria Secret models’ and absolutely won’t accept anything less… even though they’re not a David Beckham themselves if you know what I mean! 🙂 Matchmakers never over-promise and most will tell their client you need to be realistic in your expectations, and some bolder matchmakers will even send them on dates with the ‘models’ who will then feedback to them after that they weren’t attracted to them (!!!), or the guys themselves will realize they need the match in personality more than the looks after all!
“I judge people on how they smell, not how they look.” – Jennifer Lopez
By the way, I’m a big believer in personalities are worth millions over looks!
And for matchmakers it is also about working on what’s going on inside. Usually someone who is that unrealistically adamant for the superficial qualities or creating such impossible criteria is usually deeply insecure…or subconsciously putting up barriers for themselves to real love. Finding your equivalent of ‘David Beckham’ or a ‘Victoria Secrets model’ isn’t going to solve what’s going on inside you. When you love and accept yourself you won’t project such high demanding and sometimes unnecessary needs onto your ideal match! You don’t need to prove or make-up for anything to others with your ideal boyfriend when you love and accept yourself!
Also, know that everyone is on their own journey and you can’t expect a ‘finished’ perfect person as your date!
Be truthful to yourself about what you are looking for and honor what you need and value in a relationship! You never have to change yourself or your ‘demands’ to meet someone else’s, neither can you change someone else’s to suit yours. If what you need and want isn’t being met, there is someone who can match what you want if you give yourself permission by respecting your needs! There is no wrong need when you’re honest and respectful of yourself!
Getting clear on your needs is important because men pick up subconsciously whether they can meet your needs or not! Men assume women need what they have, so they will make assumptions based on your lifestyle, what you own, what you do, what you had growing up, and what you talk about. They subconsciously consider whether they are ‘In’ or whether they are ‘Out’ with you based on if they think they can give you what you need! The guy is looking to be good enough for you. He’s thinking can he ‘afford’ you! Not just financially but whether he feels good enough for you!
Sometimes it is literally financially….I’ve heard a story about a guy who was going to propose to his girlfriend, to the point he was even picking out rings! One day he was driving home with his fiancé, and they drove past the same big house they always drove past, and his to-be fiancé commented as usual that it was her dream home! He had always heard her say this comment every time they passed, but that day he really listened! He went home, totted up what kind of salary he would need from his business if he was to be the type of guy who could buy her this house. When he worked it out, and saw how much he’d need to work and expand his business by, he decided he just wasn’t that willing to do the work to be able to afford that type of house! And so he broke up with her! He said she deserves someone who can buy her that house because she deserves to have what she wants! And she did, they remained friends….but she married someone else!
Even if a guy consciously isn’t thinking whether he can ‘afford’ you or whether he is ‘good enough’ for you and can give you what you need, subconsciously if he doesn’t feel good enough for you based on what he sees and perceives, he will sabotage….he will do the typical things like he won’t call, he will be unavailable, etc. because subconsciously he doesn’t think it will work because he doesn’t feel good enough! And Men want to feel like the super-hero in your life(!) They want to feel needed and wanted by you, because that’s their role, the provider!
So you have to be super clear about what you most truly need from a relationship, and be conscious of your needs and communicate them. You need to be authentic about your hopes and dreams and talk about them! You should never be scared you’re going to scare a guy away! If you scare them away because of your authenticness then that’s good!!! You have saved yourself heart break further down the line. Because who want’s to be with someone who isn’t going to meet your true heart’s needs and be ‘scared’ away by your real self!
You want someone who really wants your dreams too! A man who is wanting the challenge to provide what you want! A man who can’t be happy unless you’re happy!
There is no point settling with someone hoping you can change them into who you need, or hoping that they will change. You can’t change men, but you can INSPIRE them to change by being you!! He could want to be challenged if he sees something in you that feels right, but don’t force something. When it is right it’s right!
When you’re with someone who feels right for you, show the guy you’re impressed by them, that you understand them on a deep level by listening and asking questions to what they say, show him that he is more than enough, and treat him like the super-hero in your life! That will inspire him more to give you what you need and show him that you are right for him!