“Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her” – Notting Hill
One of the most important things I learned on this journey was how our ultimate subconscious purpose in relationships is to intuitively seek to resolve a childhood hurt or conflict. A complete psychological perspective of what’s going on ‘underneath’ to influence our choices in who we choose to date, transformed how I viewed my love life and relationships by recognizing subconscious conflicts and issues I have within myself and how they come to play in my relationships!
No matter how blessed our childhood was, we all have to some extent have been ‘hurt’ in some way as a child. The inner-child inside us wants to heal an inner-hurt or conflict from our childhood, where our parents didn’t meet our needs in the way our subconscious hoped!
The men we are attracted to will have both the best and worst of our parent’s characteristics, so that we can ‘act’ out our childhood needs with a person we subconsciously see similarly to our parents in the hope that we can now resolve our ‘hurt’ and be cared for in the way we weren’t as a child, and have all our needs and desires met in our adult relationships, to finally and ultimately heal our self.
As a child we ‘learned’ to suppress and not allow our self to display certain parts of our personality or characteristics, maybe from negative experiences, because we were expressly told not to do so, or just because we absorbed from our parents we just shouldn’t be a certain way. Our soul strives to un-suppress those parts of us we haven’t developed to make us feel more ‘whole’ – who your soul truly is doesn’t want to be suppressed! So we are naturally attracted to guys that do have those parts of the personality our soul wants back so we can learn from them in an effort to recover the ‘lost’ part of our self.
We are also subconsciously attracted to guys who display the negative characteristics we dislike in our self, but that we can’t see or acknowledge we have. We will criticize it in whoever we’re dating in the fights and drama we have with them, but really we are projecting what we hate in us onto them because we can’t bear to see it in us, and vice versa! This just ends up being a vicious circle because the criticism gets criticism back when really we are all just looking to be loved despite our flaws! By learning to love ourselves and be more conscious of who we are and all of our aspects, the good, the bad, and the ugly, we become more accepting of the hidden parts of us, so that we can be loved unconditionally, which is what our heart truly strives for, which helps avoid the drama when we project or criticize negative behavior!
Any criticism we receive from others in our relationships speaks loads about what is going on inside them, than it does about us even though it is directed at us! And the criticism we give to them tells us what we need to know about what’s going on inside us.
By becoming more aware and mindful of ourselves, and not reacting back to criticism, and instead trying our best to sympathize and comfort them, and try to understand where they are coming from, we can eventually stop the cycle of them projecting on to you, and you on to them. They will be ‘lost’ without your negative reactions and eventually will be kinder back to you when you criticize, giving you too what you really want – sympathy and understanding which helps lessen the drama by not adding to it by throwing criticism back! Understandably this is harder than it sounds….in the heat of drama we naturally get hurt and want to defend ourselves, and it feels like it would take a saint to not react! Which is why our relationships are our greatest lessons in growing! But by being more mindful and aware of what’s going on, it hopefully makes the drama less dramatic!
By getting the opportunity to participate in interviewing potential clients with matchmakers, I got to see how they can question their clients on their love life, previous relationships, what they are looking for in a partner, their dating habits, and lifestyle and find out about their childhood and background, to then notice their patterns and recognize the psychological reasons behind those choices. Like a pattern of being drawn to men with an addiction of some form because their Father had a drink addiction when they were growing up. Matchmakers are able to give them advice as to how to turn that pattern into ‘healthier’ choices knowing we still have some need to be attracted to someone who will help us heal those parts of us we need to.
This need to resolve a childhood issue or develop the suppressed parts of our personalities and true selves will rule all our relationships, the men we pick, the drama we have, and the way we handle the drama! If we understand even just slightly and become conscious of our subconscious patterns it will make the drama less dramatic and hopefully lead to a more mindful happier love life for us all!