When I meet you I don’t need to be with you, I WANT to be with you.
I know with EVERY INCH of my soul that this is my love. I don’t have the tiniest smallest feeling in the pit of my stomach, in the depths of my soul that tells me I’m settling, that tells me this isn’t it, that voice that has been there in the past but I’ve chosen to ignore it because I was too scared to be alone, too scared to feel unloved, too scared to acknowledge my true worthiness of deserving something real and amazing.
I’ve taken the time to truly experience being alone, I’ve been to my darkest places alone, I fell in love with myself and with my company, I took the massive leaps of faith I needed alone, I faced my fears alone, I followed my dreams alone, and experienced happiness alone. I’ve grown and experienced so much alone, that I won’t allow the fear of being alone make me settle, for comfort isn’t happiness, easy and okay doesn’t light my fire within. I know I’d always be wishing, hoping, longing for so much MORE, imagining what my life would be like if I had chosen the other way, chosen without fear.
I won’t let fear make me fight for someone to love me, I won’t FORCE someone to choose me. I want to be with the person who SO fiercely, passionately and deeply, desires me!
I choose to listen to their actions over the words they speak to me and desire they express of me, I listen to how I FEEL around them and about them.
I’m not looking to find love, I’m not looking for someone to complete me, I am already complete, I am already love, when I meet someone I see that love in them, but I don’t need it. So I choose the love that comes from having FUN and feeling the type of let your hair down happy, where I can laugh so hard and freely. Fun leads to love, I’ll always love the people I have fun with, and the person who has fun with me will love me truly forever. If it’s a battle to begin with then that’s not what I see leading to the type of love and commitment I desire.
I want my fairytale love, I want ROMANCE, to be swept of my feet by my prince, I want to experience my happy ever after moments.
But I also want so much more,
I want the real HARD type of love, the relationship that forces me to grow in ways I couldn’t imagine, a relationship that inspires me to be better, to be the BEST I can be everyday. Who inspires me to give and give and give, all the compassion, love, care and kindness I have to offer without needing a thing in return.
A relationship that will be my ultimate lesson to grow, forcing me to know me even more, the parts I can’t even admit exist. I want someone who is sooo available for me it scares me. Yet they light a fire so bright within me, that it forces me to put aside my fear, and be so courageous enough to fully be me and show them my everything. My willingness to be vulnerable will scare me, but I want to show someone who I truly am, for them to experience and know the light and dark parts of me so intimately, for them to truly love me and my SCARS, and for me to love theirs fiercely back.
I want to be with someone who acknowledges and understands my scars, my dark, my hurt, on a deep DEEP level, because they’ve too been to those depths, I want someone to love the parts that make me feel unlovable and undeserving, they accept my CRAZINESS lovingly without judgement, so I can truly understand the limitless meaning of love on another level it scares me yet brings me to a happiness I couldn’t imagine. It teaches me the compassion I should have given myself earlier in life.
They light me up on a deep deep soul level, that they create both the good and the bad fireworks between 2 strong souls who fiercely know what we want in life, know where we stand in values and beliefs of this world and want so vigorously to experience love and happiness soooo deeply.
This love…..I now understand why I’ve never been truly happy, why I’ve never just been grateful and settled for anything in life, because my heart knew deep down, there was THIS.
And that’s what I’ve been FIGHTING, striving so hard for.